A Revision of the Comentary on the Gallic Wars
Salutations from Davus, a scribe of the city of Rome, formerly employed as a cleaner of lavatories in a house of fraternity, where I learned to speak and jest with great skill among the young scholars. Having read the commentaries on the Gallic war, I have found them to be lacking in both historical accuracy and detail. Thus, I have decided to revise the text using my own scholarship, travel and inquiry, and deduction.
All of Gaul was in truth not divided into three territories but instead consisted of only one. If an additional one or two did exist, so inconsequential were they on the events to follow, much like a man perusing trinkets in the marketplace with no intention of spending his coin, that their names have slipped from my mind, much like an old man slipping on the wet stones of a bath house and breaking his spine.
This territory was inhabited by a people called the Belgae, of which the Latin name is Helvetii, and were the most warlike and ferocious of all men. The Helvetii lived in a land distant from civilization and province and were not visited by merchants, who tend to bring those goods which corrupt the mind, which I will describe as follows.
The first of these goods is a jacket made from the hide of cattle which falls to the hip. Young men, after purchasing this jacket with coin borrowed from their fathers, then drive a small bronze spike through the lobe of their ear, leaving it dangling within.
Then, after the setting of the sun, these go from one tavern to another seeking female companionship, and despite lying with many women, are never seen with child, for which reason I surmise as thus. That the man does not perform his natural obligation in the location designed for it, but instead enters through the door of waste, where he does perform his natural obligation.
These men also strike lines in the stone walls outside the forum to record the number of women they have laid with, even competing with one another to record the highest number. Whether these counts are accurate I know not, and myself even doubt, given that my count has never achieved eminence, and is always one of the lowest on the walls.
The second of these goods is the plant called cannabis, which was first used by the Scythians to weave ropes to tack sail aboard their merchant vessels.
I heard from a Scythian sailor as follows: some years ago sailors of a merchant vessel, having smoked all the tobacco onboard, began to lose their good senses, and smoking anything from their crew-mates soiled undergarments to the body of a dead mouse, were met only with spells of coughing.
One sailor, on noting the pungent smell emanating from the ropes, used a knife to shred the rope and began smoking it, as did the rest of the crew. The men were immediately met with visions and colors of the other world, and saw their crew-mate's faces as the head of a lamb or a dog. When the vessel finally drifted into port, having it's sails fallen with no rope to hold them up, the crew, half-mad, informed the elders of their discovery.
At first, the plant was only used during banquets and ceremonies. However, young men began smoking the plant on the dawn of each day, then congregating on the street corners, one beating a drum of animal hide and another chanting loudly in rhymes.
The third of these goods is a pamphlet created as thus: a scribe solicits a woman of great beauty to lie still atop a couch, then using ink to leave her impression onto a sheet of papyrus. He then repeats this process with multiple women, and using the secretion of a snail, binds the sheets together to create a pamphlet, which I shall call a pamphlet of nudity.
These pamphlets have become widespread among all men, from infants first learning to walk to elders who walk only with a cane. Men mysteriously disappear into a lavatory to perform their natural calling for several hours or sometimes even days.
I even heard from a Legate, that noticing the laggard behavior of his men, ordered his officers to search the tents at night. These officers, storming into the tents suddenly and tearing off the blankets, found every man of the legion engaging with a pamphlet of nudity beneath his sheets. The legate, as I heard it, then took all these pamphlets behind a nearby bush and thoroughly disposed of them for several hours.
Let that be all there is to say on the corruption of the merchant goods, for which Rome has suffered greatly, and for the lack thereof the Helvetii have become strong.
Among the Helvetii was one most eminent in status and valor named Orgetorix. Some years ago, Orgetorix sought to convince the elders to conquer new lands, and he gave a speech as follows.
That the Helvetii were exceedingly large of limb, and not being weakened by the Roman invention of pamphlets of nudity, could be said to be carrying a small club within their trousers from morning until night. Therefore, walking about the marketplace and bumping chest with another felt as being struck on the hip with the hilt of a sword, and when bumping chests with a woman, the woman became with child.
As I have heard, Helvetii women, unlike Roman women which bear child in 9 months, bear child in 4 months only, and when the child emerges is already with beard as thick as the wool of a lamb. And for these reasons, the Helvetii needed to conquer further lands to live comfortably.
However, Orgetorix on celebrating his 19th year of birth, drank upwards of 90 casks of wine and challenged upwards of 60 men in contests of mud wrestling, and the next day was found dead. The Helvetii then erected a statue of commemoration, which I am told still stands, measuring one cubit in height. Why a man of such large stature would have dedicated a statue of this size, I know not.