De Bello Gallico
I. All of Gaul is divided into three parts. In the first part live a people called the Aquitani, in the second the Secunderoni, and in the third the Belgae. The Belgae are renowned above all others in their valour, as living in a distant land from civilization and province prevents the visits of merchants, who bring those goods, namely herbs for smoking and Italian footwear, which tend to weaken the mind.
II. Among the Helvetii, a man named Orgatorix was the most eminent in aristocracy and wealth. Some years go, Orgatorix sought to convince the other nobles that, in the interest of sovereignty, they ought to claim dominion over the whole of Gaul.
In addition, he gave reason as follows: the Helvetii were known to be large-limbed, especially in that limb between their two legs, such that while strolling about their villages and marketplaces, the men would often bump their limbs into one another; thus, having no recourse, in the interest of preserving their good senses, they must find new lands to conquer.
III. Caesar, upon receiving word of the large-limbed Helvetii's desire to ford the Rhine, immediately rode forth to meet them there. But in truth, before embarking he filled his pipe with pungent herb and equipped his fine Italian footwear.
Upon arriving at the crossing of the Rhine, Caesar enjoins with his legion, and stumbles from his horse, his eyes being striated with red color. Marcus Piso, noting Caesar's disorientation, inquires after his well-being. Caesar replies that he has departed from his grandmother's funeral and was recently mourning, thus comforting his legionares.
IV. The Germanic tribes were lead by a man named Ariovistus, who was known to enjoy singing loudly in rhymes even past the setting of the sun, which greatly disturbed his fellows, and kept many wives, with many children from these, and often derelicting his familial duties by absconding to smoke herb and drink the milk of cows.
V. Ariovistus replied to Caesar, saying "We have not attempted to instruct the Roman people in dealing with their wives, and have heard of Roman senators, on deceiving their wives with tales of purchasing the milk of cows, instead go about smoking herb with their fellows, and having intercourse with slave-girls, thus siring many children"
Caesar replied thus, "unus nummus ad feminam iacti est."