Life of Saint Caput The Headless (Introduction)
In the hundredth year after the ascension of Christ into that heavenly place, and the apostles having traveled throughout the lands performing miracles and preaching the word, many have turned to Him and called Him by name. However, many others have built all manner of temples to worldly things, and worship therein instead.
I am called by the name Caput, a citizen in the practice of statuary. Some days ago, a citizen called by the name Iratus commissioned me to create a statue of his lately departed father. On the first day I completed the legs, on the second the torso, and on the third the arms. On the final day, when the work was due completed, I set to work on the head of the figure. I started the day early, carrying my tools outside, and began to tap my hammer upon the chisel, driving it into the grainy marble. The sun hung low at first, close to the earth, but soon swung higher in its path through the heavens, casting a brilliant light upon the ground, and sending a crushing heat atop my shoulders. Each swing of my arm felt as moving about in a thick swamp, and I began to tire.
Nearby was a large vase of wine, and seeing no man to claim it, I fetched it over, and took a deep draught. I immediately felt a warm glow insinuating through my limbs, and dispelling the heavy air from around me. If one gulp had this effect, surely another two or three would greater invigorate me, and I might finish my work in half or quarter time. So, I lifted the vase again and took numerous draughts. Then I returned to my task. Slowly, I felt a rising tide of euphoria building in my chest, and I began to giggle gleefully, the ground spinning and wobbling about before me. I was now a sailor standing on the deck of a ship tossing in a rowdy storm, the sea spilling forth over the rails. I stumbled forward, and strong arms caught me. Looking up, I saw the face of the marble statue wearing a stern expression. "Boatswain!" It roared. "Should this man fall over, lash him to the stern and deliver fifty strokes upon the buttocks!" Frightened, I collected my tools and stood dutifully, continuing to carve. "Thou sallow faced sack drinking derelictor of duty." The statue growled, "Boatswain, adhere your eyes to this man's buttocks, should he begin to defecate, throw him overboard!" At this, I could contain myself no longer. I fell to the floor, rolling about with my chest heaving in laughter, and soon fell fast asleep.
I awoke to a sharp blow upon my ribs and muffled shouting. Opening my eyes and sitting up abruptly, I saw Iratus standing above me, gesturing at something. Looking over, I saw the statue of his father, but the head of the statue was not of a man with flowing locks of hair, but of smooth prominent buttocks. The buttocks protruded forth from the neck, and split midway in a cleft which held scraggly hair within. Before I could explain myself, Iratus grabbed my collar and dragged me roughly into the nearby street. "This rascal has dishonored my father!" He shouted, pointing at me. "I commissioned him to create a statue, and he delivered a statue with buttocks for a head!" A small crowd had gathered around us, and many began to laugh. "Defend yourself!" He spat, and drew his sword.
Seeing no other option, I drew my sword as well. However, I knew not that he turned the grindstone at the imperial barracks, and often tested fresh blades on blocks of cheese, and was thus familiar with all manners of form in slashing and thrusting. In a flash, he covered the ground between us, and I saw a blur of blue steel before my eyes. I felt no sensation, but the force of the blow launched me upwards, high above the nearby rooftops, before I tumbled back towards the ground. I rolled over and over, and came to rest upon my chin. In front of me laid a headless corpse wearing a handsome green tunic -- the same tunic my wife had recently purchased me. Behind it stood my opponent lounging, his hands resting upon his hips and a playful smile on his face. The fool! Did he think hiding behind a poor corpse would protect him from my forthcoming onslaught? I made an effort to stand, but to my astonishment, my legs did not respond. Then, before my eyes, the corpse rose to its feet. My opponent lithely stepped to the side, and used the flat of his blade to smack it on the rump, knocking it back to the ground. The gathered crowd erupted in laughter. "Who would like to see this fool thrown into the reeking lavatory pit of a nearby tavern?" Iratus shouted, gesturing towards me.
Horrified, I screamed, "Oh dear God! Please preserve me!" My call was answered, for a doctor wearing a green apron burst through the crowd. "Make way!" He bellowed, "How can such heartless men make a mockery of one so near to death?" He waddled over and made to grab me. However, the stones beneath his feet were damp with moisture, and he slipped clumsily, knocking me over. I fell sideways, and began to roll quickly down a nearby slope, turning faster and faster. Upon hitting a large cobblestone, I was launched high into the air, and through a nearby window. I landed in a large body of warm water, the air thick with foggy steam. To either side of me, submerged waist-deep, were two elderly men, so stooped and decrepit as seeming mere minutes from death. "What was that sound?" Croaked the one to my left. "Did you release gas?" The one to my right replied. "Come now, a man of your age dawdling in liquor and farting about." The one to my left reached out and scooped me up. "Please sir, you must bring me to an doctor," I begged. "I have been attacked by a madman with sword and separated from my body." "It appears to be a talking stone," the elderly man said, squinting his eyes. "Perhaps I should bring it to market and see what price it might fetch?" "Fool!" The other replied. "It is clearly a demon, no doubt intending to lasciviously defile our bodies." He snatched me from the other's grasp, and hurled me back through the open window.
And so I began rolling down the hill again. Once more striking a large cobblestone, I was hurled through the air, and into another window. This time, I landed atop a stone anvil, where a smith set about his work. "Please sir," I begged, "An old fart has thrown me out a window, and I require medical attention imminently!" The smith looked up. "Why, look no further sir! I happen to have completed six months of medical apprenticeship." He flipped me upside-down and examined me closely. "Your neck bone has been neatly severed. I must cauterize it to prevent your soul from escaping." He turned around and yanked a red hot iron from the furnace. "Not to worry my friend, you shan't feel a thing." Then, he smacked me upside the head with the hot iron. By the Almighty, my ears filled with the sound of a ringing bell, and my vision became pure white! I knew my days were at an end and I began to ruminate. Would the Lord be cross with my drunken foolishness? Had my wife received payment from Iratus, and gone to market to purchase bread for our children? I awaited my judgment with timidity.
But behold, I did not die! When I regained my good senses, I saw that my talented friend had indeed saved my life, and I was in good spirit. However, now being only a head and having no arms and legs, I can neither walk nor use tools. However, my speech and sight remain, and I can even ambulate freely about. By striking my chin upon the ground, I can hop about as a happy frog in a swamp. By wiggling my nose, I can roll freely this way and that, as a leather ball that children kick in the street. Thereby, I have decided to take up my calling as a missionary of God, and so investigate the variegated temples which the unbelievers have built, and commune with them therein.