One Day in the Life of Caput, Roman Statuary
I am called by the name Caput, a citizen in the practice of statuary. Some days ago, a citizen called by the name Iratus commissioned me to create a statue of his lately departed father. I started the day early, carrying my tools outside, and began to tap my hammer upon the chisel, driving it into the grainy marble. Nearby was a large vase of wine, and seeing no man to claim it, I fetched it over, and took a deep draught. I immediately felt a warm glow insinuating through my limbs and strengthening me. If one gulp had this effect, surely another two or three would greater invigorate me, and I might finish my work in half or quarter time. So, I lifted the vase again and took numerous draughts. Then I returned to my task.
Slowly, I felt a rising tide of euphoria building in my chest, and I began to giggle gleefully, the ground spinning and wobbling about before me. I was now a sailor standing on the deck of a ship tossing in a rowdy storm, the sea spilling forth over the rails. I stumbled forward, and strong arms caught me. Looking up, I saw the face of the marble statue wearing a stern expression. "Boatswain!" It roared. "Should this man fall over, lash him to the stern and deliver fifty strokes upon the buttocks!" Frightened, I collected my tools and stood dutifully, continuing to carve. "Thou sallow faced sack drinking derelictor of duty." The statue growled, "Boatswain, adhere your eyes to this man's buttocks, should he begin to defecate, throw him overboard!" At this, I could contain myself no longer. I fell to the floor, rolling about with my chest heaving in laughter, and soon fell fast asleep.
I awoke to a sharp blow upon my ribs and muffled shouting. Opening my eyes and sitting up abruptly, I saw Iratus standing above me, gesturing at something. Looking over, I saw the statue of his father, but the head of the statue was not of a man with flowing locks of hair, but of smooth prominent buttocks. The buttocks protruded forth from the neck, and split midway in a cleft which held scraggly hair within. Before I could explain myself, Iratus grabbed my collar and dragged me roughly into the nearby street. "This rascal has dishonored my father!" He shouted, pointing at me. "I commissioned him to create a statue, and he delivered a statue with buttocks for a head!" A small crowd had gathered around us, and many began to laugh. "Defend yourself!" He spat, and drew his sword.
Seeing no other option, I drew my sword as well. However, I knew not that he turned the grindstone at the imperial barracks, and often tested fresh blades on blocks of cheese, and was thus familiar with all manners of form in slashing and thrusting. In a flash, he covered the ground between us, and I saw a blur of blue steel before my eyes. I felt no sensation, but the force of the blow launched me upwards, high above the nearby rooftops, before I tumbled back towards the ground. I rolled over and over, and came to rest upon my chin. In front of me laid a headless corpse wearing a handsome green tunic -- the same tunic my wife had recently purchased me. Behind it stood my opponent lounging, his hands resting upon his hips and a playful smile on his face. The fool! Did he think hiding behind a poor corpse would protect him from my forthcoming onslaught? I made an effort to stand, but to my astonishment, my legs did not respond. Then, before my eyes, the corpse rose to its feet. My opponent lithely stepped to the side, and used the flat of his blade to smack it on the rump, knocking it back to the ground. The gathered crowd erupted in laughter. "Who would like to see this fool thrown into the reeking lavatory pit of a nearby tavern?" Iratus shouted, gesturing towards me.
Horrified, I screamed, "Oh dear God! Please preserve me!" My call was answered, for a smith wearing a black apron and grasping a red hot iron burst through the crowd. "Make way!" He bellowed, "How can such heartless men make a mockery of one so near to death?" He waddled over and flipped me upside down. "Not to worry my friend, you shan't feel a thing." Then, he smacked me upside the head with the hot iron. By the Almighty, my ears filled with the sound of a ringing bell, and my vision became pure white! I knew my days were at an end and I began to ruminate. Would the Lord be cross with my drunken foolishness? Had my wife received payment from Iratus, and gone to market to purchase bread for our children? I awaited my judgment with timidity.
But behold, I did not die! When I regained my good senses, I saw that my talented friend had indeed saved my life, and I was in good spirit. However, now being only a head and having no arms and legs, I can neither walk nor use tools. However, my speech and sight remain, and I can even ambulate freely about. By striking my chin upon the ground, I can hop about as a happy frog in a swamp. By wiggling my nose, I can roll freely this way and that, as a leather ball that children kick in the street. Thereby, I have decided to take up my calling as a missionary of God, and minister unto the follies of the people.