The Economics of Being Gay
We're living in challenging times -- everyone from the crackhead on the street corner to the banker in his high rise can sense it. Crude oil just hit 100 dollars a barrel and a pack of Marlboros is now 15 dollars in New York. According to a recent Pew Research study, the average first time home buyer is a 65 year old pensioner with hearing aids and high blood pressure. Our leaders seem to be without a solution; some are in favor of state-run grocery stores and others prefer toppling foreign leaders and seizing their resources. I however believe a more apt solution is hiding right under our noses.
Allow me to demonstrate with an example from history. In the year 10,000 BC, indentured olive farmers in Babylonia under the reign of Nebuchadnezzar II faced a similar predicament to our own. These farmers tilled the hard-packed soil from sunrise to sunset in sweltering temperatures, and with no river in sight often drank cow urine for hydration -- an effort which earned them only 20 shalouki per week (the equivalent of 15 cents in today's currency). And even this meager recompense was lost, for it was snatched up by greedy family members and spent on frivolities.
This continued for many years before a court philosopher named Mabumba devised a solution: instead of taking a wife and bearing children, which seek to squander one's wage, why not marry a man who brings home a second wage? So many farmers divorced their wives and married one another. The change was immediate; for with two incomes they now had time for leisure, and began reading works of poetry and philosophy. Nebuchadnezzar was astonished. He saw clearly that the farmers were educating themselves, and may soon petition for higher wages or bathroom breaks -- policies which would cost millions of shalouki per year. So Nebuchadnezzar seized Mabumba and cast him head-first into the lake of the dead. He then passed laws banning all same-sex marriages on punishment of death.
Today gay marriage is legal. However, gay men no longer work and invest together, but instead engage in sexual acts. This is a travesty, for Mabumba himself warned us 12,000 years ago, "Do not be tempted by the bootyhole of another, for within lies disease and depravity." Indeed gay intercourse was not discovered until the late 16th century by a Venetian nobleman named Le Marquis De La Shiette. One night after drinking a few bottles of prosecco and stripping naked, he began doing parkour over the furniture. Suddenly, he slipped and fell down the stairs, where his butler's rear end was waiting, for the man had bent over to retrieve loose change. News of the accident spread like wildfire, and soon De La Shiette's maneuver was all the rage in Europe. Over time, this became the modern LGBT community that we know today.
Thankfully, a select few still observe the teachings of Mabumba. I speak of course about the many billionaires who are openly gay, i.e. Peter Thiel, Tim Cook, and Sam Altman. When Tim Cook says that being gay is a 'gift from God', do you think he's referring to the act of jumping on another man's buttocks? Or is he speaking of eschewing traditional marriage to fly to Malaysia and build 20 iPhone sweatshops? To me the answer is clear. That's why the solution to our predicament won't be found in the voting booth -- it's right under our noses. The solution is being gay. Because being gay isn't a sexuality, it's an investment.